I should have kept my big, stupid mouth shut – incident #4021

It’s a curse of my family (especially my sister and I) to witness awkward situations – almost on a daily basis. Sadly, I often bring these awkward situations upon myself simply by opening my mouth.

When I used to work for a jeweler one of my favorite things to do was to sell wedding bands. Most of the time, couples shopping for wedding bands are happy, cheerful and excited to be there(with some exceptions – but that’s a whole different blog post) and I enjoyed being a part of the couple’s excitement by helping them pick out their rings. One day, a pleasant middle aged couple came in to shop for wedding bands. As is the norm, the bride-to-be did most of the talking and browsing while her fiancé stayed in the background. I remember that she did not wear an engagement ring, so her choices were endless and she must have tried on dozens of rings before choosing a pretty platinum and diamond band. Once the bride-to-be had picked out her ring I turned my attention to the bride’s fiancé, who to this point had not said much other than “uh-huh” and “yup” in reply to her comments. The wedding bands were displayed in a low, L-shaped case, and probably 90% of the case was reserved for women’s rings while the men’s rings were kept in the short part of the “L”. Her fiancé moved towards the counter and started browsing through the rings on the women’s side of the case at which point I ever-so-helpfully gestured towards the men’s display and said “oh, the men’s rings are over on this side”

Have you ever said something, and as the words came out of your mouth you suddenly knew that what you were saying was very, very wrong? It’s like slow motion – yet you can’t close your mouth in time to stop the words from escaping. This was one of those times. As I spoke those very words I instantly knew: the fiancé was a WOMEN. Not a very feminine women (actually not a feminine woman at all – and she wasn’t exactly wearing a flowered dress either) but a women nonetheless. A woman that I had just called a man. To her face.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what happened next. I think that my mind has blocked out the event from that point forward to spare me years of hiding under my desk and sucking my thumb in mortification whenever I revisit the incident. I would like to think that I handled it with grace and humor, but I highly doubt that was the case. More likely, I probably babbled something ridiculous about staying away from the men’s rings that I had just pointed out because you are obviously a woman who wants a woman’s ring and I would not want to waste your time by showing a man’s ring to a woman. Then I probably cried and ran away. Yup, that is probably how I handled it.

To the couple: I hope you two are happy together and I’m very sorry I called one of you a man. I also hope you like your rings – wherever you ended up buying them.