An Open Letter to US Airways Customer Service

Dear US Airways,

I have a couple of small requests that may help improve your customer service.

First of all, when sticking travelers on a small-ass plane so tiny that these passengers have to sit evenly across the plane to ensure that the plane will remain airborne, please do not have your flight attendant come over the microphone and ask for volunteers to move from the front of the plane to the back of the plane to "balance the wings of the aircraft". Doing so may cause certain typically non-nervous fliers to feel a tiny bit uncomfortable with being stuck inside a small-ass wing-unbalanced airplane for two hours. If the fate of the aircraft is resting on the willingness of two old men in Hawaiian shirts to move from row 2 to row 11 so as to "balance the wings" may I suggest that you use a BIGGER AIRPLANE. If this is not possible, please remember that sometimes ignorance really is bliss. Passengers don't need to know about wing imbalances, engine problems, de-icing or that the landing gear is being held together by duct tape. A better approach would be for the flight attendant to say: "The first two passengers in row 2 to move back to row 11 will win a super cool prize!" and then give the winners a super cool prize, preferably an item from the "Sky Mall" catalogue. This makes a fun game out of it and no one needs to know that the plane will fly all willy-nilly if the people don't move their seats.

Also, in the event that a certain customer whose first name rhymes with "picky" and whose last name starts with a "T" inadvertently leaves his driver's license on the airplane after arriving for a layover in Philadelphia, please do not wait until said traveler and his wife are at the opposite end of the terminal, which is about 5.6 miles from the gate, before making the announcement over the loud speaker. And, once the customer his wife arrive back at the gate after sprinting the entire 5.6 miles to retrieve the lost license, it is helpful to actually have an employee working at the gate, not huddled in the corner reading a novel and ignoring the customers at the gate. And, if the employee is too absorbed in his novel to even look up when asked for help and tells the customer that his license is "somewhere on the desk" it would be helpful if the license were actually somewhere on the desk. And if the customer should have the nerve to interrupt the employee again to tell him that the license is not on the desk, it would be helpful if the employee didn't roll his eyes and say "it's the small plastic thing with your picture on it" in a sarcastic tone before finally getting up and realizing that the lost license was not, in fact, on the desk, but in a drawer. Call me crazy, but I am fairly certain that the TSA frowns upon random customers rifling through the desks and drawers at the terminal gates to retrieve lost items. They may consider this to be a possible breach of security, thereby making the customer's trip even less pleasant.

Thank you for your time. I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
Dames
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More fun adventures from our trip to Nashville coming soon! I bet y'all can't wait!